


Wedding Bells

by OhMyGlobWhatthefrickamievendoing



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/F, Humor, Inexplicit Dry Humping, M/M, Murder Wives, Pure Crack, Weddings, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 23:25:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10818954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhMyGlobWhatthefrickamievendoing/pseuds/OhMyGlobWhatthefrickamievendoing
Summary: a.k.a that time Batman was Harley Quinn's bridesmaid and Bruce regretted all his life choices





	Wedding Bells

**Author's Note:**

> Four fics in 1 month!! My first exam was today and I finished writing this yesterday........=D
> 
> Enjoy <3

“I want you to be my bridesmaid.”

 _What_.

“What.”

Harley rolled her eyes and gave him a look as if he was being difficult on purpose.

“I want _you_ ,” she enunciated with a jab in his direction, “to be _my_ ,” she now pointed at herself, “bridesmaid.”

Batman blinked. And then he blinked again. He wondered if he had being drugged ( _again_ ) and if this was one of those really _really_ weird dreams he had.

“You’re getting married?” And yes that was the first question to come out – not really one of his best – but to be fair to him, he did vaguely remember being hit on the head with a giant mallet.

“Yup,” answered Harley, popping the p and rocking back on her heels, “ta Red.” And here, Batman noticed, the slight red of her cheeks – even through all the layers of makeup – and the small smile that she wore – voice, soft and happy with no hint of the crazed obsession it once held when she spoke of Joker – and crazily enough ( _given his current situation though everything seemed a little crazy_ ) he felt a sudden flare of pride at how far she had come from her days with Joker.

“And you kidnapped me – tied me to a chair – to ask me to be your _bridesmaid_.” He wasn’t even mad really, just incredulous mostly, slightly annoyed. ( _She didn’t have to hit him._ )

“Uhh-huh,” said Harley, bobbing her head, “you got free though, would ‘av been disappointed if ya’ didn’ ,” she said with a shrug. “ We’re gonna get hitched in Red’s greenhouse, reception’ll be at the Iceberg Lounge. We thought of kidnapping a priest but then we figured that ya’ know if ya’re my bridesmaid ya’ wouldn’t be happy if we did, so we asked Pengy to step in-“

“ Doesn’t he have a hit out on you? “

“Sure. But that’s all in fun really! He said he’d take it down till after our honeymoon.”

“That’s considerate of him.”

“Isn’t it!! We wanted to invite all your lil’ bats and birds but there are _so many of them now!_ So we decided to just have it for our close friends and families meaning Arkham’s A-listers only! And their dates of course. And don’t worry it’s gonna be a sunset wedding so it’d be dark enough for you and _and_ you can wear your usual drab black!! See! It’ll be great!! Plus _plussss_ Selina’s gonna be Red’s bridesmaid!!!”

“....we’re not seeing each other anymore. She has a girlfriend.” And he’s happy, he really is, that the sentence carries no bitterness at all. He’s happy for her and that’s the truth.

Harley rolls her eyes again and Bruce bites down the urge to tell her it’d get stuck like that.

“I know that! But you guys are still friends right? It’d be nice to see a friendly face, won’t it?

Bruce stares at her.

Harley flutters her eyelashes at him.

“All the big names’ll be there so ya’ won’t ‘ave ta’ worry ‘bout any big crimes!!”

Bruce stares some more.

Harley pouts at him.

“ _Please B-man..._ ”

Bruce sighs and lowers his head just slightly. Harley’s squealing is the only warning he gets before she launches at him and catches him in a bear hug. Listening to her garbled high pitched _thank yous_ Bruce wonders what the _hell_ he just got himself into.

 

* * *

 

Bruce sighs.

He tugs at the glaringly pink flower crown, wrapped around the ears of his cowl – it doesn’t budge – he could almost swear its thorns dig in, even deeper, into the cowl. He scowls at Selina who is standing across him. All _she_ has is a glaringly blue flower stuck to the front of her suit. She smirks at him.

_Traitor._

He slightly turns his head to look at the front row of guests – four seats on each side – Harvey is at the left hand corner, somehow managing to look both pissed and pleased ; Ed’s next to him, he wiggles his fingers when he notices Bruce looking ; next to him is Jervis who is dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief ; Jon just looks bored with the whole affair. On the other side is Mary who is handing Waylon a rather large, frilly pink handkerchief as he tries in vain to bottle his heaving sobs ; next to them is Jim, who looks _far_ too casual for someone who was kidnapped and tied to a chair at the wedding of two criminals ; after him is Bane, who Bruce just _knows_ is beaming – he is the World’s Greatest Detective after all, you don’t question him, he just _knows_ these things ; and in the other corner, next to Bane, is Joker in a slim fitting pink dress – the colour too close to his own flower crown for it to be a coincidence.

Joker noticing him watching, grins saucily up at him and slides a hand down to adjust his dress so a smooth, white leg peaks out through the slit. He winks.

Bruce whips his head forward.

Right wedding.

_Right._

“I now pronounce you... _Plant?_...wife and _Clown_...wife....The murder wives...wow, _really_ ,” asks Penguin as he squints at the paper in his hand, before looking up at Harley and Ivy with a raised brow. Ivy rolls her eyes, _clearly_ that wasn’t her idea, and Harley looks _way_ too pleased with herself. Penguin sighs to himself, _clearly_ Bruce wasn’t the only one regretting their life decisions – it was a strangely reassuring thought , and continues, “may now kiss.” Penguin finishes with a discreet sniffle.

There is a raucous roar from the crowd as Harley jumps on to Ivy, hitching up her dress and wrapping her legs around her wife’s – _Jesus Christ, her wife’s_ – waist, arms wrapped around Ivy’s neck as she shoves her tongue right into her mouth. Ivy responds happily enough. One of her hands sneaking under Harley’s dress to grab at her ass and her tongue tangling hungrily with Harley’s and the noises – _Jesus Christ._

The sound of the crowd peters down to a deathly silence as the two wives – _holy shit_ – continue to go at it.

Someone coughs and Harley grinds into Ivy.

Bruce tries catching Selina’s eye but all she looks is amused and slightly fond. He tries for Penguin instead and it’s slightly more successful, if the slight shade of green the man has turned can be dubbed so.

Apparently it can, as Penguin resolutely gathers his wits about him, to push out a, “Okay, you can stop now...no, seriously...guys...it’s getting a _bit_ uncomfortable for everyone here...FOR FUCK’S SAKE _STOP!_ THIS IS PUBLIC INDECENCY! WE ARE CRIMINALS NOT _BARBARIANS!_ _IVY PUT THAT TENTA-_ “

Penguin is cut short when Ivy shoves her bouquet – of what Bruce is still quite sure is poisonous flowers – into Penguin’s face. That seems to freeze the man as he stares at the bouquet, face quickly turning red, as the implications of it seem to register to him. He finally looks up from it and stares into the crowd, face bright red and unblinking – _well, fat load of help he was._

Harley, taking the hint from Ivy, tosses her own bouquet into the crowd – thus freeing her hand to grope Ivy’s breasts – and Bruce turns at the _shriek_ that follows it, only to see Joker kick Bane in the face as he throws himself across the front row to catch it.

He does.

_Damn._

The Joker _shrieks_ again, as he clutches at the bouquet – legs kicking wildly at Bane’s face, as his upper body flails around on the ground – waving it around madly, at Bruce. His eyebrows are doing a complicated jig on his forehead.

Maybe Bruce could go live as a hermit. Somewhere no one would ever find him. The idea was looking more and more appealing.

“Okay guys!” says Selina, clapping her hands and effectively taking control of the whole situation – God bless her and all her cats. “How about we all head on over to the Iceberg Lounge and let them – “ she turns to look at the newlyweds – _wow, just wow_ – with a perfectly raised eyebrow, Ivy and Harley are still sucking face – _don’t they need to breathe_ – one of Harley’s hands has also seemed to have found its way under Ivy’s dress, “ – join us later.”

The crowd once more breaks into chatter as everyone rushes to get out, criminals of all sizes tripping over each other, dubiously casting looks at the wedded couple – _fucking hell_ – behind them, as they rushed to move out. The vines withering on the ground had started looking a lot more ominous.

“Ugh Selina,” says Bruce, trying his best to avoid looking at the legally bound wives – _FUCK._ – as he nudged his head towards Penguin, who – still clutching Ivy’s bouquet in a death grip – had yet to move, or blink for that matter – _was he dead?_

Selina sighs.

“Nygma,” she says, sounding tired. “ Get him outta here.”

Ed saunters past Selina, tipping his hat at her, smile smug – _is it ever anything but._ “ As you wish, milady,” he says. He moves past Bruce and what is clearly becoming R rated territory – _they need to leave now._ Penguin squeaks and turns redder still – _how the fuck is that possible_ – when Ed softly takes hold of his elbow and starts manoeuvring him towards the door and Ed’s smile turns soft and _huh maybe it can be something but._

 _“_ I’ll take Gordon,” says Selina, snapping Bruce out of his thoughts, jabbing her thumb towards Jim, who is still tied to his seat, eyes firmly snapped shut. “You take clown boy.”

Bruce looks towards Joker, who is now sprawled on the floor, still shaking his bouquet at Bruce, still wiggling his eyebrows. His leg is showing through the slit in his dress, it looks broken.

_Right._

“I’m going to become a hermit.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this fic lying around since last year, with it being planned right up to the part where Joker catches the bouquet and written up to the first break...
> 
> Honestly nygmobblepot was only gonna be just very vaguely hinted at, so if you watch Gotham you'd get it, if not you'd wonder why the fuck is Penguin freaking out but in the end I couldn't help slipping more in, specially since Gotham came back and has me pumped. Honestly I don't think I'd ever actually write for this pairing but this is the second time I've slipped a mention of them into one of my fics and I honestly love doing that ^.^"
> 
> This is honestly my first fic of this...nature...so I'd love to get feedback on it!!


End file.
